The drinking broke me down. I have been depressed for the entirety of my adult life but finally I felt something break inside me. I no longer wanted to live. In the past, I wrestled with my conscience when contemplating suicide. I thought of my family and friends and the devastation I would leave in my wake. Not this time. This time I was tired and thought I had done my sincere best and deserved a rest. A rest from this ever whirling mind and this world that has tortured and traumatized me. I was fina…
This is so intensely accurate, it feels like the written equivalent of an fMRI scan.
Whenever I see people berating suicide victims on social media, doing the 'but s/he had a family, how could they not think of the suffering they've caused, suicide is so selfish' routine, I experience an overwhelming urge to force that person to live through a second of that pain. It's a dark and twisted impulse that I obviously don't surrender to. But sometimes I do wonder if there's any way to get people to genuinely listen, stop judging, and honestly try to understand what it's like to live with a brain that's determined to kill you.